Alright, so I’m 25 now, and still have not matured at the rate I was hoping for, but I like to have fun in my weekends. Does fun include throwing back a couple of bottles of champagne, indulging in a 12 pack, stirring up some fancy cocktails? Uh, yes. Yes it does!
But at some point I’m thinking I’ve got to be getting near the age where this isn’t acceptable anymore right? I mean who wants to board the hot mess express every weekend to hit the corporate grind come Monday morning every week? Then there’s the moment where I just want to cut loose and see what kind of shenanigans I can get into while I pop the cap on that first cold beer.
Sometimes things can get a little “cray” and out of control. It can be hard to stay in control while you let the liquid courage run all young, wild, and free through your veins. But pull yourself together! You will not black out, you will not be “that drunk girl”, you will be the cool and fun drunk girl that everyone wants to hang out with. Learn from my mistakes and you won’t have fingers pointed at you!
1. The high pitch yelling girl
Yelling at the guy that just called you “weak sauce” for not finishing your shot in one swoop is not going to help anything. It draws attention to yourself. That’s all. Yelling your boyfriend to beat him up because he said that to you and because you hate his shirt is not going to help anything either. Just shut your mouth.
2. The crying girl
Why does this ever happen? Why do we ever reach a point when we are so drunk that tears just literally dump out of our eyeballs? Stop it. Just stop it. Think only happy thoughts while drinking.
3. The bladder problem girl
DO NOT be this girl. DO NOT hold it forever because the line is long or you don’t want to stop dancing. Because guess what? When you are finally ready to go pee, that line will still be there! And you will pee yourself, forcing you to run down the street back to your apartment or have to leave the bar quickly before the guy you were dancing with sees you. Respect the bladder. Come on.
4. The sleeping girl
For whatever reason, sometimes you just get so drunk that you pass out wherever you fall. Sometimes it’s on the back deck of a houseboat, sometimes it’s on a bench at a bar, sometimes it’s on the beach, sometimes it’s right in the middle of the party. If you’re going to do this…the key is power naps. When you wake up make sure you have a new drink in your hand!
5. The wandering girl
Don’t be the girl that just decides that in the middle of the dance floor, that you’re gonna go off by yourself and “explore”. Don’t do that. It’s dumb and when you get lost you’re on your own.
6. The texting girl
It’s pretty simple: just don’t text while drunk. It should be one of those rules of thumbs that you don’t do those two things together. Then you’ll end up texting someone and you have to do the close one eye to focus thing, only to send a string of random letters in an attempt to make a sentence. It doesn’t make sense to the other person and its now in writing just how drunk you were.
7. The puking girl
It’s pretty terrible when your friends start to say: “It’s not a party until she pukes.” Control your liquor woman. There is no need to start puking all over the bar, no need to puke next to the campfire, no need to puke over the side of the houseboat. No need. Cut yourself off earlier and hit up the water!
8. The rag doll girl
Getting so drunk that your legs no longer support you = bystanders yelling “whoa, someone knows how to party!” No you don’t. You don’t know when to stop partying is the better way to put that. When your boyfriend has to drag you to the car and shove you in and you fall down and then he’s just dragging you across the grass; it’s bad. It’s all bad.
9. The angry girl
Another baffling persona. When you drink, you start to get very angry when people try to tell you what to do. Like when you’ve passed out on the floor and your boyfriend tries to pick you up to put you in bed and you start calling him an asshole. Is he an asshole? No. He’s trying to take care of you. Stop being such a damn bitch.
10. The gravity challenged girl
Don’t forget that gravity still exists when you start to feel light as a feather. Stand on your own two feet damn it! Do not fall over and then get stuck upside down with your legs flailing in the air because you can’t figure out how to turn right side up. No one wants to see that. No one. Or when you get out of the car and start running sideways up a hill away from your driveway, saying, “I can’t stop…I can’t control this feeling.” The world isn’t spinning. Just you.
So, yes, I am speaking from personal experience on each drunk girl. Don’t be that drunk girl. Don’t be me. Learn from my mistakes and you should be able to become that fun drunk girl without any problems! Or don’t take my advice…and learn on your own! (But then you’ll have some pretty hilarious stories yourself!)
Happy drunk adventuring!